This week has been a test of strength for me. I don't think I'm as strong as before. I let you see every vulnerable part of me but we're almost at the point where I think you have had enough. How much is too much? I don't want to stress you out because of what I have to deal with and I don't want you to be unhappy and have to worry about me. I'm going to leave you alone for a little bit and hope that you don't look for me so I don't have to be weak in your eyes.
I luv photography and I'm really passionate about it but when I started taking this photo class. . .my spirit for it just died. I learned how to use manual and how complicated film cameras really are. I have so much respect for art majors and photographers. Its a hard thing to do! My professor drives me krazy and is just too knit-picky for me to handle. No more photography classes for me, I'm going to self learn when I get my own DSLR.
Oh, so on fire so in love That look in your eyes that I miss so much Remind me, baby, remind me
I wanna feel that way Yeah, I wanna hold you close Oh, if you still love me Don't just assume I know
Baby, remind me, remind me
Do you remember the way it felt? You mean back when we couldn't control ourselves Remind me Yeah, remind me All those things that you used to do That made me fall in love with you Remind me, oh, baby, remind me
So I haven't been here for a while! I don't know why but I have a feeling I start a lot of my blogs like this! =P I haven't been blogging for a long time cause every time I get here and stare at this blank page, my mind just goes blank. I feel like I'm doing an essay all over again and that dreaded feeling comes back so I end up closing the window. My weird essay fever has not been cured and I think that's a disease that will always live on. I've been pretty good about writing papers this quarter though. I just decided that I'm going to let everything out on this blog today so it's going to be a long one. I have a lot of things on my mind.
SCHOOL- I've been having deja-vu a lot lately. I just remember sitting in my archaeology class and how he was talking about the Greeks or something and I felt my mind wander back to when I was a freshman sitting in history class. The weird part- I feel like I totally teleported back to that class and sat there for a minute or something. After that, I went back to my apartment and talked to Mi's about my psych 12 paper. It was just random and I can't even remember how we started this conversation but we did. I told her how it was the proudest paper I've ever did in my life. 14 pages of pure research and data! I feel like I learned so much just doing that paper; I learned how to do tables and graphs, the APA format and so much more. I remember how I would work so hard to make everything perfect and when I got the paper back. . . I was so upset for getting an A-. I actually went up to the T/A after class and asked him why. I feel like such a nerd just thinking about it now. I kind of miss the student I used to be. I worked so, so hard! It's not like I'm plummeting now or anything but I feel like there's still so much left for me to do before I graduate. After realizing that, I promised myself that I would work harder in school and take all the opportunities I can get from here on out. No more being scared, I think it's about time I step even more out of my comfort zone, take some more risk and seriously grow as a person before I leave this place.
DANCE- this is something I'm really disappointed in myself for. I took ballet again so I can improve more on my technique and flexibility but so far, I feel like I've been getting no where! :( I am definitely more flexible but it's not exactly where I fully want it to be yet. I feel like every Monday and Wednesday in ballet class becomes so monotonous and repetitive that sometimes I feel like I've had enough. I find myself looking at the clock just waiting for it to be 12:30 pm so it can just end. I know it shouldn't be this way and don't get me wrong! It's a fun class but I'm just getting tired of it. I think I'm ready for lyrical though, I want to be able to put emotion into my dance and make my dancing speak for itself. I want to try different styles and do hip hop again. I miss that class so much but it always conflicts with my schedule so I can't take it. I'm going to try to take other hip hop classes on campus. I'm excited for next quarter and I'm so ready to EXPAND my dance styles. I finally met someone who does Bollywood dance so I'm pretty excited for that too! I'm going to try to get over the monotony of ballet and just work harder for the next classes and see where I go with it. My ballet shoes have officially died so I'm debating if I should get new ones for lyrical or just go barefoot.
PHOTOGRAPHY- At first, I thought this class had so much work but I've really come to appreciate it. I'm learning a lot and just realized how much I hate photoshop! I've always liked my pictures natural and I don't believe in editing them so much because it takes out the genuine beauty of the picture. Why change the magical moment we just captured right? Digital photography is really fun and I realized how much more simple that is compared to analog. Analog photography is definitely more challenging. You don't get to look at the picture after you take it and you don't know if the lighting is good enough. You can only guess and feel it. After taking this class, I give lots of props to art majors. It is definitely challenging and they do work really hard on the whole process of their masterpiece and it takes a lot of time to get to where you want! It was my first time working with film and actually getting to go into the dark room. It was really confusing at first and I did get lost but I got the hang of it. I think that being in the dark room was also my first time being in complete darkness, it was amazing! I think I got over my fear of the dark. It was so hard to get the actual film out of the canister and rolling it up into the reel. After that was a long process of putting it into chemicals to develop the film. That took about 30 minutes but it felt so much longer! :O The koolest moment was taking out the film and seeing your negatives. The film negatives then go into the heater to dry off for about 15 mins and can be taken out afterwards. When the negatives dry, that's the exciting part! You get to see how your pictures came out and your progress. I'm a little bummed that some got over and under-exposed but there are a lot that just came out awesum-o! I can't wait to actually develop the photo. That is the true magical moment. This process is not as long as developing the film but it will take long to pick out the photos I actually want and adjusting the lighting to make sure they come out nice. I'm kind of bummed that all this is going to be over soon. I luv having a camera on me to take pictures and capturing the moments that make me happy and inspire me in life. I definitely want to save up money and invest in a DSLR camera, especially now since I know how to use it better and on manual mode hehe(:
FAMILIA- I haven't been home much this quarter and it feels kind of nice. I miss them but I like being here and being independent. I'm getting better at taking care of myself, managing money and having food to eat. I think I can still do a little better on the money part but they would be proud of me. We finally got a dog and I feel bad that I can't really be there to take care of her. I think she's gone krazy because there isn't really anyone at home to take care of her most of the time. She goes krazy when anyone tries to go outside and play with her so I stopped playing with her. I actually get scared that she is going to bite me or something! =/ Besides that, the family and I are on good terms right now and we are happy. I'm not sure how it is when I'm not there but when I do go back, things are good. I just really miss my grams because I don't get to visit her much. I think it's sad that I only get to see her during the family events. I need to get a car soon to change that man! I realized why I don't go home as much too! I don't like the new house! =X I mean honestly, I wasn't really gung-ho about moving and this place just doesn't give me the sense of 'I am home!' feeling. People tell me it's cause I haven't really officially settled in because all my stuff is in Riverside and that I need more time to get used to it but I don't really think its that. I just miss the old house so much! I mean I get locked out all the time but it definitely felt more like home than the house in Montebello. When I'm at that house, I just feel so damn empty. I'm not sure what it is but I just feel like something's missing.
YOU- You are still making me so damn happy. Sometimes I still think back about how we used to be and I'm so amazed at how far we've come. I mean in the past month, we had our ups and downs but they made me realize so much. It made me realize how much you care about me and how important I am to you. Thanks for everything and being in my life. I'm glad you went up to me a year ago to ask me the lamest question ever which was just an excuse for you to talk to me. AHHHH good times(: Now that the year is up, its time to go to the HEAT again except this time it'll be a little more special haha♥ I can't wait til March 3rd and when all the work is over. I am so ready for spring break and all the fun!
I hope I can keep up with this blog and not have such big gaps in updating!
Happiness is only temporary. I feel like giving up on so much things. I don't know if I'm just not as inspired as before or I let a million other small things affect me right now? :( I don't have that drive to dance, do photography and to study. All the resources are given to me and I feel like I'm dumb for wasting it. =/ I just don't feel the same way or as passionate for all this right now. I feel so stressed. I know you try to help me out and you're there for me, but you're also the person making me hella bi-polar. I don't EVER want to let one person affect me and how I am towards things but I think we are both affecting each other now. How did we get here? When did we get so emotionally attached? I still care about you but I just don't know what to do right now. I want to get back on track again. We're in week four right now and I feel so, so behind.
I just feel like I want to eat and sleep and not think about anything for a while. I'm just tired of all this and need a break. When will I finally get a break from all this?
So I haven't been here for a whiles. Life has been krazy in a good and bad way I guess? I'm happy and grateful for everything I have in my life right now and couldn't ask for more(:
I don't really like to make new year's resolutions because I don't think I can go thru with them. I just want to get my life back on track and do what I have to do to get to where I want.
I don't think I've felt this way in a long time♥ You inspire me more than you know it!
So I haven't been here for a while but I guess its not a bad thing(: I think I've finally found the happiness I've always wanted. It still feels a little too good to be true but I'm starting to believe it and I don't think I've been this happy for a long time♥ I appreciate everything you do for me and can't wait to see what else you have in store for me.
Time has definitely been passing by too fast! :O I'm officially 21 and fall quarter is almost coming to an end.
My 21st birthday was definitely a memorable and different one, just like my 18th birthday! =] I think those are the two birthdays that I'll remember forever because of the people that made it special for me. This year jl made chicken alfredo for dinner. We had some wine and alchy then went off to see a meteor shower at silverwood lake. I've always wanted to do that every year cause the Leonids meteor shower is the one that happens during my birthday which makes it all the more special. The lake was so beautiful especially with the moon shining down on it. It reminded me of a scene from the curious case of benjamin button where benjamin and daisy were at the lake and daisy was showing benjamin her ballet. It was nice laying on the blanket and staring up at the sky. We saw about two shooting stars and left afterwards cause it got cold but it was a good night and something that I will always remember. Thanks jl!
Time to work like a maniac again and ace those finals and finish off fall quarter on top! Let's do this!
